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View Full Version : Honesty is the best policy!



geti-titanium
14-09-2009, 10:00 PM
A woman tries the door of an up market jeweller’s at 6.30 p.m. one Christmas Eve. Finding it locked but there still being a few lights on, she knocks. Only the owner is still there. After weighing her up as a rich looking prospect, he decides to let her in. "I’m sorry to bother you so late", says the woman, " but as I walked past I had an idea. I’ve already bought my husband a new Lexus, and a BMW for my son, but I thought a gold chain might make a nice little stocking filler. Do you have any 18 ct. gold Albert chains?"

"I think we may have one left, madam," said the jeweller, rubbing his hands at the thought of an extra juicy sale as he went to get it from the safe. "This is a lovely one which we have specially made for our most discerning clients. It weighs 200 grams, and I can let you have it for only £30 per gram, so it’s a bargain at only £6,000!"

"Mmm," says the customer, "I would prefer an old one as I believe they were better"

"Quite right too, madam, if I may say so, but naturally you realise that the old ones command a hefty premium price?"

"Oh, of course," replies the customer, "but the price isn’t an important factor."
"I’ll go and check what else we may have", says the jeweller, thinking quickly, and not wanting to miss a sale whose potential seems to be getting better all the time. He takes the chain with him into the workshop, kicks it round the floor a few times, beats it with a hammer, removes the fastener with its tell-tale hallmark and date letter, rubs some old polishing rouge into it before shaking it round the filter of the polishing machine. By now it is unrecognisable. He finds a slightly different fastener, and takes that and the chain out to his patiently waiting customer. "Wonderful news, madam, this must be your lucky day. Not only have I found a very rare antique Albert chain that we must have been fortunate to acquire in the last few days, but it turns out to be in excellent condition for its age, and I have managed to find a fastener. It looks very dirty and neglected, but if you don’t mind waiting while I clean it up, you will see what a wonderful example it is of the ancient chain-maker’s art."

"How wonderful", says the lady, "of course I don’t mind waiting, I’ll be counting the money, I presume you don’t mind accepting cash."
"Not at all madam, I’ll be as quick as I can. Help yourself to some of our sherry and mince pies, while you’re waiting". Fifteen minutes later, he returns, glowing triumphantly. "My word, this is fortunate. Underneath all that dirt, this has turned out to be a very fine example in excellent condition. Despite that, I can still let you have it for a very reasonable £40 per gram".

"Splendid", says the lady, "how much does that come to?"
"Let’s see, 205 grams at £40, that’s exactly £8,200".
"Excellent", says the lady, "I’ll take both!"

geti-titanium
14-09-2009, 10:11 PM
A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop upright now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to s**t yourself when I tell you the price."

geti-titanium
14-09-2009, 10:22 PM
Are you bored or something Alan.

LSHISM :-D


I like the quick little ones as well - what did the farmer say when he couldnt find his tractor?...


"where's me tractor?" :D

geti-titanium
14-09-2009, 10:25 PM
What is harder than a diamond?
Paying for it!

geti-titanium
14-09-2009, 10:32 PM
And to round of with the classic - what's brown and sticky?

A stick! :D